Did you know you can absorb other’s bad Ju? Neither did I.

I spent years volunteering, working with needy, down trodden, miserable folk. By that I mean Do Gooders in Uber Suburbia. These groups of women are comprised of bored miserable housewives, or working women with chips on their shoulders, all of them with something to prove. Mind you, not ALL the people I worked with were miserable. Just a handful at a time really. At the same time I was intimately helping out three family members who have since passed away. Friends who weren’t really friends. Kids who are growing up, working full time, and a husband who was becoming increasingly unhappy at a job whose office was downsizing significantly.

When dealing with death, I’ve learned that many family members can’t handle it, and go off the deep end, requiring my involvement with them to consist of keeping the peace, and planning ahead in every detail what to and what not to do, in order to keep them from exploding on everyone around them. Whew – was that a run on sentence? (rhetorical, don’t answer) I don’t know why I took on that role of peace keeper, in hindsight, letting them explode might have been extremely healing for all involved. Or not. My hindsight isn’t exactly 20/20.

Anyhow, long story short – I was becoming physically ill. Debilitatingly so. Anxiety was hitting hard, and I was having system failures from my joints to my lungs to my GI tract. I was becoming a mess.

Then, someone in a random conversation told me I had been absorbing other folks bad feelings, negativity, guilt, pressure, etc. relieving them of pain, while holding it in and not letting it out of my own system. That my body can’t handle all that negativity, especially when most of it isn’t mine. Well, that sounded super hokey bullshit to me. I dismissed it instantly. Called my sister to mock this person. She said there was something to it and I shouldn’t just dismiss it. That made me sit up and take head. Maybe there was something to this. Maybe.

The thought wouldn’t leave me. It lingered like a dog fart in a studio apartment. So, I started looking on the internet for validation (seriously, it’s not like I was going to go to a library). Then when the world wide web showed me that a number of people out there really do have issues with absorbing others feelings.(hmmm, maybe there is something to this. Maybe).

The next day I was in the shower – it’s where I do my best thinking – and then, it hit me – Clarity.  I could see the layers of other people’s bad feelings. The layers were super thin, like a lysterine strip. But they were there piled one on top of the other suddenly plain as day.

As I washed my self, my mind was also beginning to cleanse itself too. One layer at a time I peeled them off.  I could breath better, I felt lighter, the sun shone brighter through the window. I washed the death of my family members, and the survivors guilt and negativity right out. I washed my husbands job related feelings, the volunteer’s mean girl attitudes and insecurities, I washed my mom and aunts grief right out of my head. It continued. Years of other people, in my head, in my heart, just peeled right off. It felt great to be rid of them.

It was amazing. I had clarity for the first time in years.

Within a week, my physical symptoms starting leaving me. I didn’t feel bad, negative, or in pain anymore. I was starting to heal, and I continue to heal. I am a better mom, wife, friend, and worker today.

Say what you want, but being a horse led to water and actually drinking it, did wonders for me.


Why is it easier to buy bigger clothes then it is to workout?

Why is working out so hard to start doing?

Why are muu-muus and caftans out of style?



These are the days I will wish never went away. My kids are getting older and find myself holding onto their younger days more than ever. I’m not old and I’m not holding on to my youth. That was spent and I am forever glad it’s gone. But, these carefree days of my children’s youth; it’s magical, it’s wonderful. It has filled me with life for the last 16 years.

I watch them moving on, finding other things to do, other people to be with other ways of occupying their time. I don’t say anything but, I feel loss. I feel time. It’s heavy, like a burden. I’ve know for years this day would come. This day where I would have to find a life for myself again, one where my kids are not the center, one where I am the center.

What makes this search so difficult is that I was happiest putting them first, taking care of them, living everyday to watch them grow and learn. They still are learning, growing and discovering and I plan on being a part of that through their lives. But this one moment in time, this tiny moment, where my dreams were realized, my goals were met; and I have amazing kids, this tiny moment in my life where it all must start pivoting and in slow motion I see I must go in a new direction to find myself again.

While there is hope in my future, there is sadness for the loss of this past.

I hate when businesses knowingly going out of business allow customers to get screwed in order line their pockets with the last few possible dollars before closing shop. 

I hate when people use God as an excuse for their crappy choices and bad behavior.

I hate when people justify bad behavior for one thing and call foul when it applies in a different way and not getting their hypocrisy. 

I hate when I look in the mirror and see a size 8 but the photo taken the other night clearly shows my clothes are in fact correctly labeled at size 12. 

I hate when you bust your ass doing work for others and all you get in return is an inattentive thank you.

Sweet 16

Dear Daughter,

From the moment we first met I knew my life would never be the same. Your appearance into my life has given me more precious gifts than words can adequately convey. Because of you I know what it is to love, to forgive, to be selfless, to protect, to listen. Because of you I am not afraid to grow old as it will allow me to watch you live your life. Because of you I am a better person.

Sixteen short years ago, I had no concept of the life I would have because of you, it’s a good life. A life filled with watching you learn, grow, develop, struggle, succeed and become an amazing young woman. I look forward to being your friend as we get older, of being there as you continue to grow into the woman you will be.

You are funny, smart, curious, entertaining, witty, generous, fun, and on occasion even stoic. You are shy, yet gregarious, honest, sincere, with good character. You are beautiful inside and out. I love you with every fiber of my being.

My gift to you is the wish for a daughter just like you. One that will teach you all that you have taught me with all the joy you have given me, with all love you have given me.

Happy Sweet 16 to my amazing Daughter.

To Run or Not to Run

In an attempt to try to be more fit I decided to get up and go for a run. Sounds simple to most people. But apparently dragging my ass out of bed to go for a run is like bringing a screaming kid shopping. You wouldn’t do it. So, I had to bribe myself. It all started at the mirror last night before I went to bed.

“Look at that” I said to myself as I grabbed my belly and jiggled it. “Gross”. “If you get up in the morning and go for a run, you’ll start working on getting rid of that” I said it all sing-songy in hopes of getting my attention. I noticed I had averted my eyes to the jiggly belly demonstration and needed something more. I reminded myself how it’ll make me feel better all day if I did it. Then I got stern on the inside and told myself I needed to be fit for my health more than anything. I looked me straight in my eyes and reminded myself I KNEW it was the right thing to do. And that I understood it was scary and hard but to go out there and just “Do it”.

In a surprise move,  I set my alarm a little earlier than usual and said to myself, “maybe I’ll get up, maybe I’ll go for a run.” While this was said with little enthusiasm, it was certainly a start in the right direction.

5:50 am my alarm went off. At 6:05 I was seen donning sneakers. At 6:15 am, I had puffed my inhaler, grabbed some water and was then seen stretching. I ran 1.5 miles. To be clear, I ran .8 miles, walked a minute, ran until 1.1 miles walked a minute, ran up a big hill, then walked the rest of the way home.

Walking the .2 miles to my house all I could think was, “I got up. It’s a start.” And then I smiled. I got up.

A Thought on Aging


“Should I expand upon that thought?” I ask myself. “No, not really.” I reply.  I think to myself, “But the readers won’t know WHY I wrote only that one cranky little word” Sadly, I realize I’ve engaged myself in conversation and reply to my previous thought, “This is what I’m talking about. I don’t care to respond. It’s no one’s gawddammed business why I write anything”. And then I lean back and think to myself, ah, yes. Curmudgeon. 


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